Psh, you don’t need a description – you know exactly who I am. Like you have anything better to do than read my People magazine spread in between incessant scans for new Tweets from yours truly. It’s okay, I understand: I am staggeringly talented and my tinsel is irresistible.

I don’t care if you think I’m imperious (I bet you don’t even know what that means). With me, you won’t ever have to take down your Christmas tree. My electric color pops while my branches gracefully embrace envious gazes. Look, honey, having me in your home only distinguishes yourself as the unique few who are able to delicately couple impassioned Christmas spirit with a resolute demonstration of what excellence can produce.

DISCLAIMER: if you purchase a Dazzling Diva tinsel tree, make sure to make her the feature of your home. A true diva will do anything to get what she wants, and these (are convinced they) deserve the best.

Learn the secrets to the Green Dazzling Diva Tinsel Tree's success

The secrets to the success of the Green Dazzling Diva Tinsel Tree before you are threefold. The first is the rich, emerald coloring that sparkles with the joy of a thousand laughing babies. The tree personally tickled one thousand newborns in order to bring such vibrancy to its foliage, with indisputably stunning results. The elegant hue is a result of emotional transference, which will hopefully resonate upon the viewer.

The second secret is to always keep people guessing. A sudden change in character catches people’s attention, you know? Like right now, you’re faced with a Jekyll and Hyde situation. Raskguhlfraggamundo!!! That’s what the weird shape is for, really - the weird-looking curve makes the tree look different at every angle, bringing something fresh to the table every time. It’s totally cool.

The third, and most important secret of the Green Dazzling Diva Tinsel Tree is to always refer to one’s self in the third person. That and singing love songs to cows. Which reminds me - I have a date with Bessie tonight. Toodles!